Anyway

If you know me, you know I use music a lot to convey my feelings and process. Interestingly enough, I've noticed a lot of my lyrics can be a bit prophetic, illuminating things that even I can't quite articulate to myself at the moment. Maybe because I draw more from feeling than logical understanding when I write, but it's always interesting to see months later after a song is written and recorded how real-life events turn out. This song in particular was a glimpse into what I was feeling but had very little understanding of at the time. Although, seeing the lyrics with a current perspective, I would say they are extremely accurate to my inner conflict and really reflect what was playing out under the surface. The title "Anyway" refers to a filler word...the sort of thing you say after conveying something to someone that you suspect they may have found confronting or uncomfortable. The word is said after a sentence that questions a hard truth and, in this case, is directed inward as a personal conversation with oneself. It's the harsh but necessary conversation regarding one's standing in a relationship. Questions about how much or how little you might matter to someone. An acceptance that no matter how much you love and support someone, no matter how many times you show up and how open you are with them, the truth is, for some people, these things could never be enough. I don't think these dynamics exist in malice, but more because we are flawed people who sometimes struggle to even understand ourselves, let alone someone else. This song highlights how exhausting it can be to be accused of possessing characteristics you know you don't have. How frustrating it can feel to try and prove your worth to someone who can only seem to focus on your negatives...try to fix you for the betterment of you "both"...a stark reminder that it's not you that they see or love, but more what they could possibly shape you into. For someone like me who has waited their whole life to be seen for who I really am and accepted, writing this song was a way to release and acknowledge that, even though something may seem very real, it can just as easily be an illusion. There was a distinct moment when I finally reached a breaking point. Instead of defending myself or trying to prove my worth, it hit me. It would never have been enough. All the focus on my flaws seems to outweigh all of the good in me to this person, and I found myself saying "enough" before I could even think. As the songs says, I let it fall down. Let things be as they may. One thing I know is that trying to control a situation, a relationship, a dynamic is a 100 percent fool-proof method to guarantee it's destruction. So sometimes, it's best to let something fall apart if that's what it's meant to do. I hope you guys enjoy this song and maybe even find some relief and solace in it as well. Love you, Kelsey