Gym Conspiracy

Verse: I walked into the gym on a Tuesday, January second day New Year's resolution burning bright until it fades away But something felt suspicious bout the lighting and the smell The protein shakes were glowing and the lockers rang a bell Pre-Chorus: They scan your membership card and log your every move They know your maximum bench press and they're studying your groove Chorus: The gym is a surveillance state disguised as getting fit The dumbbells are just data points they're cataloguing it The treadmill sends your heartbeat straight to someone in a suit And every single squat you do gets added to their route They want you on the treadmill, running every day Keeping you too tired to notice what they take away The elliptical is evil and the sauna steals your soul They want you on the treadmill just to keep you under control Verse: The mirrors aren't reflections, man, they're windows looking in A dozen little analysts are watching where you've been The personal trainer knows too much, he asks you how you feel He's feeding all your insecurities straight into the deal The smoothie bar is operated by a hedge fund from Dubai And every scoop of whey protein is telling them goodbye Pre-Chorus: They cancelled my membership once and I fought them for a year Took seventeen phone calls and a notarized veneer Chorus: The gym is a surveillance state disguised as getting fit The dumbbells are just data points they're cataloguing it The treadmill sends your heartbeat straight to someone in a suit And every single squat you do gets added to their route They want you on the treadmill, running every day Keeping you too tired to notice what they take away The elliptical is evil and the sauna steals your soul They want you on the treadmill just to keep you under control Verse: The weights are always sticky and they're never quite the same The forty pound dumbbells weigh fifty, it's a psychological game They pipe the music in at eighty seven beats per minute Scientifically designed to keep your brain from thinking in it The air conditioning is set to make you stay just long enough To buy another protein bar and sign the premium stuff Pre-Chorus: The locker room attendant hasn't blinked since two thousand and four I've been doing my research and I can't ignore it anymore Chorus: The gym is a surveillance state disguised as getting fit The dumbbells are just data points they're cataloguing it The treadmill sends your heartbeat straight to someone in a suit And every single squat you do gets added to their route They want you on the treadmill, running every day Keeping you too tired to notice what they take away The elliptical is evil and the sauna steals your soul They want you on the treadmill just to keep you under control Verse: I found a hidden camera in the handle of a bike And fourteen different cables running under every dike The founder of the franchise has a mansion built on fear And every January first they crack champagne and cheer Because they know you're coming back to sign another deal With automatic billing and a cancellation ordeal Verse: I tried to quit last April but the portal wouldn't load I called the number on the app, it just played secret code They said I'd need to come in person with a form in triplicate And bring a blood oath written out and properly certificate I'm still a member to this day, I haven't been in years But every month they take my cash and laugh away my fears Bridge: And maybe I'm just tired And maybe I'm just sore But the rowing machine is wired And I can't take it anymore They've got my body's data They've got my resting rate I skipped leg day for decades And now it is too late Outro: I just want to cancel my membership I have submitted the form In triplicate Notarized They said allow six to eight weeks That was four years ago Just let me leave the gym