Losing control

Music by Justice Der A reoccurring thought: There’s so much more to life than we’re afforded most times. there are so many cultures centered around spirituality, the discovery of self, and the pursuit of happiness. I’m exhausted living where I do, interacting with people who only have this one dimensional perspective on life. And I’m tired of the culture we live in endorsing and capitalizing off this way of thinking. we are told to make the best of what we have, there is no shortage of money or resources in the world, there is a surplus of greed. I wonder how I keep getting caught in these loops of depression; I’ve found that it’s my environment. An environment that forces me to fit inside a mold I don’t belong just to survive. It drains my autonomy. I find that I do what I have to more than I do what I want. If I could wake up everyday and just be, I‘d be fine. If I could wake up and let the world take me where it will, it might take me to happiness. nothing in life should be done out of necessity, everything should be done out of genuine interest. Jim Carrey said depression is your body telling you it’s tired of playing a character. and I’m tired. My depression isn’t sadness, it’s exhaustion. Who were you before the world told you who you were Think about what it is that you do most often, and imagine a life without it Who are you outside of what you do that person the one at my core is who is tired of being put to the side for masks i’m forced to wear people i’m forced to be versions of myself i have to put on to appease those around me I’m not sad, I’m tired There’s so much more to life than what we’re afforded sometimes I look at the sky, and it reminds me there is always a part of the world I haven’t reached It reminds me there is always more I dream about a life waking up in an apartment somewhere warm, and as the sun creeps over the windows the only sound I hear is nature, with slight rain. there are no cars, or people There is a silence beyond quietness, and for a second - I feel completely alone on earth I think, “what do I have to do today?” and a feeling of relief flushes over me: nothing at all.