SUNSET SOLACE

Circa 2018/2019, finished 2021. I shot random footage of me, my walks to school and at night, and hanging out with my friends on a 100$ camcorder I got on amazon. At this time, towards the end of highschool, I was drinking a lot, I felt stuck, unsure, and scared. I was a mean person and I was miserable, clinically depressed and suicidal. This might be the best thing I've ever made, or at least the most accurate vulnerable and honest. I hope I surpass it someday but I'm not sure I will. This period, this geographical setting, this timeline, I hold in such a special place in my heart. It was likely the worst I've ever been to others and myself. But in that despair I really did feel free and I felt that I had no doubts about who I was. I look back on it often, sorta longing for it but then I remember I shouldn't romanticize it. As I get older, I treat myself better but I feel lame and weak, I retreat day after day deeper into my shell. I'm afraid that as sad and desperate as I was in this period, it might have been my peak. The time in my life where I had the most meaningful experiences, craziest adventures, and the most opportunities that I neglected. The tears of yesterday might be the coy smile of today but I feel that Nostalgia might be a my affliction. The vice I replaced the drinking, drugs, and meanness I once ran on. P.S. : A memory just sprung back to life. I was editing this film, going through all the footage I'd shot and came across a recording on the camcorder of my girlfriend at the time. This might have been one of the only happy videos I had recorded at the time. I remember watching the video, how cringy and dumb I was, and how sweet and enamored she was. I wept like I hadn't in so very long. I think that might have been the last time I've had a good cry to date. 2021.