Why not me instead

[Intro – low, tired voice] Yeah… Another night I wasn’t supposed to see… But here I am anyway Shadows crawl across the walls Whispering all the names I can’t forget [Verse 1] Woke up again, yeah I cheated the grave, Same damn breath that my brother couldn’t save, Got ghosts in my lungs every time that I breathe, Why the hell they gone but it’s still me? Mirror lookin’ back like it knows I’m a fraud, Prayin’ every night but I’m mad at God, Heartbeat steady but it feel like theft, Every tick of time just a debt unpaid left Still hear sirens when it’s dead quiet, Still see faces when I close my eyelids, Try to outrun it but it stay on pace, Pain got a name and it’s wearin’ my face Every street corner got a memory, Every laugh I fake comes back to me I sip my coffee cold, swallow the ache, Feel like I’m alive just to carry their weight [Verse 2] Mind do laps, won’t shut the hell up, Dark thoughts spillin’ out the same damn cup, Smile on my face but it’s taped on tight, I’m fightin’ whole wars they don’t see at night, They say “you strong,” nah that ain’t the case, I just got good at hidin’ the pain in my face, Every laugh got a crack in the sound, Like I’m six feet up but I belong underground Talk to the ceiling like it talks back, Every damn memory fade to black, But the guilt stay sharp, never go dull, Heavy in my chest like a loaded skull I see them in crowds, in the quiet of streets, In strangers’ eyes, in every heartbeat, I reach out, but they vanish like smoke, Leaves me hollow, leaves me broke [Chorus] Why the hell am I still here breathin’? They deserved this life I’m livin’ I’m carryin’ names like chains on my soul, Tryna stay whole but I’m losin’ control If heaven got a list, I slipped through the line, Now I’m stuck livin’ out borrowed time Yeah I’m alive but it don’t feel right… I survived… but it don’t feel like life [Post-Chorus – echo, distant] Still here… still breathin’… Don’t know why… don’t know reason… Still here… still bleedin’… Carry ‘em all… every evenin’ I count my breaths like I count my sins I count the nights I should’ve never been [Verse 3] Got memories burnin’ holes in my head, Replay every word that we never said, If I could trade places I’d do it tonight, No hesitation, no damn fight, But life don’t deal in fair or clean, It’s a crooked hand and a ruthless machine, So I carry their names in everything I do, If I’m still here… I gotta live for you Light one up just to kill the ache, Every bad habit I can’t quite break, Tryna numb out but it circles back, Like a bloodhound trailin’ every track I hear laughter in places it don’t belong, See tears where smiles should be strong, Every reflection tells a story of guilt, Every shadow shows the blood we spilt [Bridge – stripped, honest] Maybe the curse ain’t breath in my chest, Maybe it’s proof I ain’t done yet Maybe the pain’s just love misplaced, Echoes of people I can’t replace Maybe I’m here just to say their names, Keep ‘em alive through the fire and flames I write their names in the steam on the glass, Try to hold time, let the past not pass Maybe my hands are shaky but they still reach, Maybe survival is the lesson I preach [Final Chorus] Why the hell am I still here breathin’? Tryna find a reason in all this bleedin’ I’m carryin’ names but they lift me too, Every step I take, yeah I drag ‘em through If heaven got a list, I’ll earn my line, Turn this guilt into somethin’ that shines Yeah I’m alive… and it still ain’t right… But I’ll survive… and I’ll make it mean somethin’ this time [Outro – fading, almost spoken] I ain’t at peace… not even close… But I ain’t gone either… So I guess… That means somethin’ And if the night don’t take me, I’ll keep walkin’… One step, one breath, one name at a time