09

once again i find myself engulfed in the darkness i guess its the only way to see the light my limbs are heavy and all i can do is watch the sun leave the sky is pink and purple and blue and orange and yellow and all the colors in between i search myself like the blind reading braille in hopes of a solution to my blues i pray even when things are going well for me i know i cant do this life thing alone most days i don't want to do this life thing at all my big joys are the same as my little joys its crazy how Benjamin Button feels like the right way to grow up the older i get the more i have to fight to stay soft i cant let the world harden me like i see it do to others when i was a child i was a different kind of sad i wonder if she would recognize me if i could go back in time i swear im so different but the same as i was then i envision us taking a walk and answering the best i can all of her questions about the future though most answers don't have words attached to them i would just hold her hoping she would feel my warmth and know, no matter what, it will be ok whatever future, it doesn't matter it will be ok still everyday is a battle but everyday is a victory im only my saddest when i want life to be something that its not and could never be i cant change most things and thats how its supposed to be i wish the world had more empathy more compassion i wither away gladly dreaming of a world different than this one dreaming of a brain different than my own maybe medication can bring me a new life i hate feeling crazy. when i ride my bike i feel like im flying a nice feeling a non human feeling i am closer to God the more i let go of myself one day i will return and tell you all that i know i hope you will be here to listen there is a cloud over me raining pouring im drenched but my flowers grow despite the darkness the sun lives in my heart there is enough light for new life