22/23/24/25

days turn into weeks, weeks into months, months into ... and then suddenly without even realizing it, seemingly overnight, today i am a quarter of a century old... 25. all of the time that passed me by feels as if it simultaneously escaped my grasp, i know that is not necessarily the truth but time has suddenly started to feel finite to me. the feeling wasn't immediate, it creeped up on me. nonetheless it leaves me questioning who i am in this very moment. did i really appreciate the moments that i experience and lived, or was i merely passing through them without realizing how much i would be longing for certain memories & feelings. will i get another chance at certain moments? what does this all really mean? is it as meaningless yet profound as it sometimes seems? or am i making nothing out of something? for now as the sunrise brings another day, it allows me to question these very thoughts over and over again. 6:33AM ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ who am i meant to become? how do i become that version of myself? but more importantly; why do i want to become that person? am i living these moments during my adult life correctly? is there necessarily a right answer to that? but i know that no one necessarily has an answer to that question. and if one answer works for someone, that does not mean it can apply to everyone else. allowing myself to fail and figure things out is the main way to self-actualize. so then why do i feel that regardless of the amount of progress & movement that i have made, i end up feeling as if nothing changed, once again, and over again. i am pulled in all directions at the same time leaving me questioning my own choices. again; who am i genuinely meant to become? how do i go about actualizing that version of myself that i envision? am i on the right path or do i have to carve that out for myself? for now i have to remember that having a compass is more important that trying to find a map laying around. i mean am i who i think i am? or is that no longer the question i should be asking? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ moments that seem to happen because they were meant to happen versus those you go out of your way to make regardless it feels as if the time passing me, escapes my grasp at the very same time i try to reach out and cling on but the endless memories, moments, minutes the magnitude varying in size pass me by, i stay still, frozen and paralyzed of the fear of every other choice i could have made in the end i stay motionless i thought i had all of this figured out last year man with the same questions, still but tomorrow is a new day too try again ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ much love. - antonio