The First Thing To Do When Your Kid Acts Out

Have you ever found yourself in a moment where your child is hitting their sibling, stealing snacks, or yelling something hurtful, and all you can think is, “How do I make this stop?” But what if I told you that the very first thing you do when your kid acts out can change everything about how your child learns to manage their feelings and behaviors? In This Episode: • Practical things you can say and do as a parent in order to create an emotionally safe environment, teach your kid to regulate their nervous system, and help them become an emotionally healthy person • Real-life examples of how to validate emotions while also setting limits around behavior • How to find clues that will help your child regulate their nervous system • Tons of ways to help kids release emotional energy from their bodies Listen to learn exactly what to do the next time your child is acting out, so you can create more calm, safety, and connection in your home. -------------------------------------------- Why Your Kid Acts Out (And Why Correction Isn’t Step One) Let’s start with something important: All behavior is communication. When your child is yelling, hitting, grabbing, or melting down, it’s not just about disobedience. It’s their way of coping with big feelings or an unmet need that they don’t yet have the skills to communicate in a better way. When we immediately go to correction - "Stop it right now!” or “Don’t do that!” - we’re skipping over the real problem: the emotion or need underneath the behavior. If we move too quickly to discipline or redirection, kids don’t learn how to name and manage what’s happening inside. And honestly, they often have no idea what to do instead. This is why just correcting doesn’t work, and why the chaos often repeats itself tomorrow, or even five minutes later. So, what’s the first thing you should do when your child acts out? You connect before you correct. The Connection Tool is the heart of the Connected Parenting Process, and it’s a practical, step-by-step way to help kids learn emotional regulation, from the inside out. The Connection Tool One of my all-time favorite tools to teach parents is the Connection Tool (https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/the-connection-tool-new) . In it, you: 1. Notice that something is off with your kid 2. Narrate the behavior you’re seeing 3. Name the emotion 4. Validate how they’re feeling 5. Regulate the nervous system by helping them move through the feeling Basically, you’re helping to connect the dots between what's going on on the outside and what's going on on the inside. Validation (letting your kid know that the way they’re feeling makes sense) is crucial, because when kids feel seen and safe, their nervous system begins to calm. Emotional connection always comes before learning or problem solving. Once you’ve connected with their inner experience, you can move into regulating and problem-solving. Your child needs new ways to cope and to communicate their feelings, thoughts, and needs in ways that work. You can validate their emotion and set a limit at the same time. Ultimately, you give them the responsibility to figure out better ways to cope with that feeling in the circumstance that they're in. Here are a few examples: • “It’s not okay to grab your brother’s snack, but you can ask me for a snack and I’ll help you get one.” • “If you need to move your body, let’s do some jumping jacks together.” • “You can’t call out to Mommy at bedtime, so what can you do instead? Do you want to hold my scrunchie while we’re apart from each other?” • “You can’t hit your brother, but you can hit this pillow.” Regulating emotion is a tricky thing. It's hard for all of us. Discharging emotion is almost always done through the body. We let the feelings that are stuck inside of us release through our hands, our voice, etc. The goal is to discharge that emotion in a way that doesn’t hurt or cause problems for other people. You can suggest and show your child other ways to release or change their energy. And their behavior can serve as a clue to what they need. If they want to scream really loud, is there a way that they can regulate by screaming in a way that works for everybody? If they want to hit or be physical, is there a way that they can be physical that doesn't bother anybody? Try these movements: • Do jumping jacks • Drink a glass of water • Wash their hands • Do a shimmy-shake • Hold your hands up and let them use their hands to push against you • Roll them up in a blanket • Stomp their feet • Do a small, simple task like putting a toy on the shelf Shifting from Correction to Compassionate Witness I know this approach can feel counterintuitive. Most of us grew up hearing, “Stop that!” or “If you don’t calm down, you’re in trouble.” It takes practice to pause, connect, and wonder about what your child is feeling or needing, instead of jumping right to judg...