Pete Hegseth, Form Over Function

Song by Suno. Appointment of Whiskey Pete by Sleepy Dementia Don the Warmongering Pedo Protector. [Intro] He thinks he is the ultimate hero (He is a nation joke a real zero) is he best warrior under the sun (He thinks that after a bottle of rum) He thinks Iran is undercontrol (while they laugh and troll) He wants to lead in this war we're in (as he's been drinking too much gin) [Verse 1] Step right up, kids, gather ‘round See the man in the three-flag crown Polished hair, plastic grin Mirror, mirror, let him in He’s stamping lies like late-night mail Filing fear in a color-coded scale Signing forms with a ketchup pen Practicing war in a playroom den (oh yeah) [Chorus] He’s the secretary of vanity Pouting in the cabinet glass Fixing his tie in a house on fire Blaming the smoke on the grass He’s the secretary of fucking up Trips on power, calls it a dance Salutes his own reflection daily Gives incompetence a second chance (hey!) [Verse 2] He’s juggling “truth” like rubber knives Slices facts into bite-sized lies Reads a memo, forgets the plot Shouts “mission done!” while he missed the shot He drafts decrees on a cocktail napkin Spells his name wrong twice, then backs it Stamps a seal on an empty page Calls it history, calls it “brave” [Chorus] He’s the secretary of vanity Straightening medals made of tin Practicing outrage in the hallway Takes a bow before he walks in He’s the secretary of fucking up Trips on logic, laughs it off Leads a parade of paper soldiers Waves to cameras while they cough [Bridge] [Half-whispered, mock-serious] All in favor say “aye” (aye…) All embarrassed say “why?” (why?) Raise your hand, swear to the 50 stars To keep him far from the open bars [Chorus] He’s the secretary of vanity First in line for the praise buffet Loads his plate with empty slogans Licks the platter, calls it faith He’s the secretary of fucking up Filing chaos under “win” If competence knocks on the doorway He’ll slam it shut and let him in (ohhh) [Outro] So here’s your title, stamped and signed King of the clown car, lord of the spin The nation’s desk is still on fire But his hair looks great again. [solo] secretary of fucking up. secretary of vanity. he is form over function and doesn't know the job. the worst secretary of defense we ever had.